


Cereal Killers

by hissesssss



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Death, M/M, This is so ridiculous, all around the board, also SPOILER ALERT, also i should point out that in this fic, bc im trying to make this as ridiculous as possible, but uuh hope you enjoy, i mean the killer's name has crofters in their name ffs, just really disgusting stuff, lots of gore, our left brain boys are clueless as heck, please don't go further for the sake of your own mental health, so if you are squeamish, so uuuh get ready for that, this is set in a universe with supernatural elements
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-30
Updated: 2019-07-08
Packaged: 2019-07-20 13:22:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16138121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hissesssss/pseuds/hissesssss
Summary: What is the outcome of something sweet and something nasty combine to produce something that is too far-fetched to be real? Watch as two nerds with not a hint of what is coming their way fall into a world quite unlike anything they've ever seen. Oh and Crofters. Don't forget Crofters.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> So um, welcome to a fic that I have been working on in bursts for like 2 months. Its mostly based off headcanons that you can find here:  
> https://hissesssss.tumblr.com/post/177063087255/listen  
> Also, this is so ridiculous. And I love it. Please enjoy these ridiculous gays and enjoy the Crofters!

 

**Logan- “This episode features uncomfortable language, graphic descriptions, and possibly offensive language. Viewer discretion is advised. Without further ado, enjoy the show. As most people are aware, fruit spreads are well known as a common breakfast addition to every average household. Its sweet taste entices all that consume it and leave a feeling of warmth and happiness throughout the day. As I, your host, Logan Sanders, have mentioned before, I have a high affinity for the jelly brand Crofters and-”**

 

**Virgil- “More like ‘As I have endlessly waxed poetic about for than five hours to my unsuspecting partner who now has, at this point, not found it to be unsuspecting at all.’”**

 

**Logan- “I am sorry but who is the host of this podcast? Is it me? Yes? Ok, glad we have that established. As I was saying, Crofters. While the brand is known to warm the hearts of even the most emotionally distant human beings, there is a dark secret that hides behind its logo that normally appears to be sweet and welcoming. Not everything is what it seems. Even though he has already introduced himself today, please welcome back my partner and our top researcher for ‘Cereal Killers’, Virgil Sanders.”**

 

**Virgil- “Sup. We are going to have a very...interesting discussion about a certain serial killer that has been on our list for some time. They are not as well known as the ones we have talked about before. But, they are just as, if not more, deadly. I should also probably mention that right now, Logan is vibrating in his seat. Like a lot. Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this excited. Well...except for that one time he-”**

 

**Logan- “Again. Off topic. May we please, for the love of science, continue?”**

 

**Virgil - “Fine, fine. So, this serial killer, that we have dubbed ‘The Crofters Killer’, has been incorporating Crofters into their murders according to our sources. But, we’ll tell you all how near the end of the episode. But just know, that they’re getting more creative every day.”**

 

**Logan- “But we are not here to discuss the creative tendencies of modern day serial killers. We are here to bring the life story and murderous streak of this infamous killer into light. Let’s begin, shall we? The Crofters Killer. Their name is unknown but for now, we will use the alias, K. Known for their brutal killings of middle-aged white men. It assumed that he acts upon his murderous impulses due to a tragic backstory.”**

 

**Virgil- “Just remember though. A tragic backstory does not give you a free pass to murder who you want to.”**

 

**Logan- “Unanimously agreed. Although, we should probably go on to their very...interesting murders.”**

 

**Virgil- “Oh boy. You guys are in for a treat. Currently, in my hand, I have a few accounts about their murders spanning across the past few decades Alright, ready? Here we go. August 18, 1986. Jacksonville, Oregon. A man by the name of Richard Astley. Found dead in his bathtub filled with red, viscous liquid.**

 

**September 15, 1992. Elmhurst, New York City. A man who was well known in the drug dealing business was found in a green dumpster near a Dunkin’ Donuts. Once again, the dumpster contained a puddle of thick red liquid.**

 

**January 13, 2002. A person so mangled that autopsies could not reveal anything about their actual identity. Found in their basement. Pinned to a wall with knives stuck in every part of their limbs. Blood dripping from their body. And chunks of something red were found on the floor.**

 

**October 31st, 2010. A woman found in a gas station bathroom with both of her legs cut off and 10 stab wounds all running down her spinal cord. And of course, a red, viscous, puddle of some kind of substance on the floor.”**

 

**Logan- “And I am sure you all are dying to know what that red liquid is. Here, I have a few records of the autopsies done on the bodies previously mentioned. The autopsies show that the substance was inserted directly into the victims’ bloodstreams.”**

 

**Virgil- “Some of you may have already figured it out but to those who haven’t, I was honestly just as surprised as you might be. In fact, I didn’t believe it for a while. As in me, Virgil Sanders, the conspirator that believes any and every conspiracy that is thrown at him."**

 

**Logan- “Yes. I had to show him the autopsies and the dead bodies multiple times to make sure he finally believed me, despite the fact that it possibly may be illegal to enter a mortuary without proper identification. And so, I don’t need to keep you all waiting any longer. The mystery substance was none other than….Crofters.”**

 

**Virgil: “And it seems that our time is inconveniently up. Guess you’ll all have to wait for more details in the next episode of Cereal Killers.”**

 

**Logan: “See you all next time.”**

 

The sound of a click registered beyond the quiet sound booth that both Logan and Virgil had occupied. Virgil turned to face Logan with an amused glint in his eyes. “Do you think they’ll fall for it?”

 

“Well, we provided solid evidence while also staying vague enough to spark our audience’s imagination without gaining their suspicion. I believe that we’ll be fine.” Logan grasped Virgil’s hand and regarded his eyes with an equally mischievous expression.

 

Virgil raised an eyebrow. “Yeah, but don’t think Crofters being used as a murder weapon is, I don’t know, a bit ridiculous?”

 

“I chose Crofters solely for the reason that it is so impossibly ridiculous to happen. However, fact has been proven to be more ridiculous than fiction. So there is at least a 51% that this will work.”

 

Virgil smirked. “I guess numbers don't lie, do they?"

 

And with an air of finality, they exited the sound booth, both ready for the chaos that would soon await them. They were going to have fun with this.

 

Or so they thought.

  
  
  
  
  



	2. PLACE HOLDER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Announcement from the author

Hello to whoever has been following this(the very few who are). I know that I posted the first chapter months ago and I said that I would get back to this at one point. Well, today is that point! Let me explain myself: I have been incredibly busy with school and my mental health so I pushed my writing away so that I could focus on what I needed to. Turns out, pushing the things you enjoy in favor of just work 24/7 has a large fucking toll on one's mental health. So,,,, I've been trying to get back into the swing of things. And I'm here now, albeit still slightly busy. It's fine though, now I can devote more time to this and to hopefully get better at writing as my summer goes on. 

That being said, I was originally going to scrap this first chapter but I like it as it is so I will just continue off of this and come back with hopefully something very exciting. Stay tuned guys, I will be back with more of this story as soon as possible.


	3. Key Players

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time to bring in the new key players of the group.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone. I am back! I didn't lie!!! Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter. I really enjoyed writing this and I hope you enjoy reading it as well. :)
> 
> (This chapter has some pretty strong language, so be wary if you aren't comfortable with it.)
> 
> Also, I apologize for the short chapters but I will do my best to make them longer as we go on.

A single creak is heard, echoing along the walls of the empty apartment.

 

“Did you hear that?”

 

“Uh...yeah, it was your foot, Patton.”

 

Patton lets out an embarrassed giggle and sets his bag down on the empty coffee table. “Oh, I know! You just looked so down on the way home and I wanted to make sure you weren’t gonna just sulk on your bed the rest of the night.”

 

Roman sighs, sinking into their couch and staring at the back of Patton’s head. Once again, he found himself contemplating what he would do without his always bubbly and ecstatic partner. “Thanks for that, Pat-Pat, but after the day we just had? I’d prefer sulking in our bathtub for 10 hours.”

 

Patton flops down next to him and lays his head down on his shoulder. “Sure! But before that, let’s do the laundry. I can’t have _this_ smell in our _nice_ -smelling home for another second.”

 

Roman sighs again, ignoring the spike in his heart rate from Patton’s lack of personal space. “The couch was just getting comfortable.”

 

“Yeah, I hear you ...Get up though.”

 

“Ugh fine.” The two made their way to their rooms, changing into more comfortable clothes. Despite the need to immediately collapse into his bed, Roman gathered his putrid-smelling clothing and brought them to their laundry room before Patton started his long rant on keeping their home clean. He entered the room, immediately noticing Patton perched on the table next to their washing machine, staring off into space and definitely not aware of the fact that Roman had just entered.

 

He dumped his dirtied clothing into the machine before lightly tapping his friend’s shoulder. Patton came out of whatever thoughts were swirling in his brain. Roman knew him well enough to know that a quiet Patton after a hunting trip was not particularly good. 

 

It was his turn to be the comforting one.

 

“How’s the head, Pat?” 

 

His soft smile appeared as he loaded detergent and started the machine’s cycle. “Pretty good!” He shook his head, giving Roman another abashed look. “You don’t believe that, do you?”

 

“I know you too well.” Roman placed a soothing hand on Patton’s shoulder. “If you don’t want to talk about it right now, then that’s fine. I just want to make sure my best friend alright.”

 

He chuckled half-heartedly at Roman’s reassurance. “When are we ever alright Ro?”

 

“Good point,” said Roman with his own slightly forced laugh.

 

“I’m fine though. I’ve just been thinking…” Patton placed himself back on the table, staring down at his feet.”

 

“About what?”

 

“I guess…”

 

“Talk your time Pat.” Roman knew that despite Patton’s caring nature, he was much more critical of his own thoughts compared to others. If he needed to express any of his worries, then it would take much more gentle coaxing to get them out.

 

“Just...what do you think would happen if we decided to do something different?” Patton rushed out.

 

Well. He was not expecting that. “What do you mean?” 

 

Patton stares into Roman’s eyes, an intense look that most likely had more hidden beneath it than he lets on. “What if we never crossed paths and decided to stay in college Ro?”

 

He couldn’t exactly explain it but an incredibly troubling feeling welled in his chest. “I...I don’t know Pat and I don’t think I’d really be up to figuring it out. Why are you saying this?” 

 

Patton sighed and hopped off the table, moving the wet clothes into their dryer. Through his discomforting confusion, Roman helped him move their clothes. “Ah I’m not saying that I’d want that either...I’m just thinking. Don’t worry about it.”

 

“Alright Pat.” He did drop it even if he knew that there was still a lot Patton wanted to say. But he also knew how he was after intense hunts. Forcing a coherent answer out of him this soon would do neither of them any favors. The things he did for this man.

 

They waited out the rest of the 30 minutes in relative silence aside from occasional snack grabs. It was best if neither of them broke the silence. They have had enough of screaming and loud, jarring noises for one weekend.  They finally took their dry load to their tiny living room, starting to fold up their clothes when Patton let out a frustrated sound. “Aw man, I was hoping to get at least one blood stain out!”

 

Roman gave him a sympathetic pat. “It’s ok Pat! We’ll go shopping for new clothes tomorrow.” Patton pouted the rest of the way but before they knew it, he was whistling to another one of the show tunes Roman so often played. 

 

Once again they settled into a  comfortable silence giving some time for Roman to think. Looking at Patton’s figure, happily folding his clothes and basking in the afternoon sunset, he found himself feeling...warm. As often as he did feel warmth watching Patton, he was always surprised at how strong the feeling was. He knew that, years ago, when they had been attacked by the same creature, there would be a strong bond between them. Maybe it was the romantic in him. Sure, in his line of profession, hope was more of a stretch, an unimaginable feat given to only those who won some kind of astronomical lottery. However, seeing him and Patton, years later, living together in an environment that they had created with their own blood, sweat, and tears, he thinks that maybe he could have been the winner of that lottery. Patton stares back at him, sending a smile brighter than the rays sent in by the vibrant sunset. Roman’s heart thumps faster. 

 

“Hey, Princey...Why is Peter Pan always flying?”

 

(Roman definitely did not skip a beat at the nickname.)

 

Roman sighs but indulges in his setup. “Why?”

 

“Because he neverlands!” Patton fell into their pile of clothes, letting out large whoops of laughter. 

 

(Roman, of course, does not find Patton’s unabashed laughter sweet or cute in the slightest.)

 

“...Patty, that was not it.”

 

Patton quickly sits up and glares- even if his glares are kitten-like -at Roman. “That took me the whole car ride to come up with!”

 

“Pat, I love your jokes but if _that_ took you the whole car ride to come up with, then I would have driven slower.”

 

“Yeah yeah. Keep making fun of me but you know for a fact that I would have made a top tier comedian!” Patton had a hand on his chest, dramatically jutting his chin out. 

 

“Yeah, and in another universe, I would have been a successful Youtuber making videos about my personality.” He didn’t know where this obsession with other lives was coming from, but he would keep indulging Patton if it meant that they could keep this comfortable pretense on for as long as possible. Or he would have if Roman’s phone didn’t start ringing.

 

He gave Patton a concerned look. The only people who have ever had access to Roman’s phone number was Patton and...his brother. He was already dreading this. “Might as well answer it.” Patton gave him a tight smile and set his folded clothes aside. He knew that if his brother called for any reason, it would not be for a good reason. 

 

Roman picked up his phone and pressed the answer button, leaving the unfolded pair of pants on his lap. “Who is it?”

 

_‘Bro, after all these years, I can’t believe you still have the gall to greet me so incorrectly._ ’

 

Roman sighs for what may be the 100th time this day. “I have said this many, _many_ times, Remus. I am not going to call you a dick licker every time you call us. Now what the absolute fuck do you want?”

 

‘ _Ugh, if we weren’t twins, I would have eaten your ass by now. Anyway, what I wanted to talk to you about was like...yesterday I saw this really cute baby at the park and I had the greatest epiphany: What do you think would happen if I threw it over a bridge? Like, I’m sure the force of gravity would probably let it fall to the bottom but I have hope that babies defy gravity so that it can reach outer space and suffocate on its own-”_

 

Roman groans into the receiver while Patton gives him a sympathetic look. “Remus, why do you bother telling me the same epiphany if you’re just calling me with a new case. And don’t say it’s because you haven’t had a good jacking off session this week.”

 

‘ _Well, there goes my excuse._ ’

 

“Just send the details over asshole.” In any other case, Patton would have scolded him for his verbatim but he knows that a conversation with Remus deserves a pass.

 

‘ _Fiiiiiiine. You’re no fun. I could have been sucking my own dick but here I am giving you such_ **_valuable_ ** _information.’_

 

“Yeah yeah, you’re not that flexible. Just don’t purposefully send me an edit of my own mutilated penis instead of the actual details. Please.”

 

_‘I, fortunately, cannot promise that.’_ Roman closed off the phone call, staring and cursing the ceiling fan for his luck. “Guess we have a new case to get to Patty.”

 

“Awwww, I didn’t even get to shop for new clothes yet!” Patton pouted at Roman this time. In all honesty, they knew that cases did not come often to them so, despite the complaints, he knew Patton was excited for a new hunt. 

 

“We’ll go afterward, I promise.” He gave Patton a reassuring pat on his shoulder. He went back to his laundry load, folding up the last of their clothes.

 

So much for a comfortable rest of the night.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Expect a new chapter very soon though and please leave kudos and a comment. <333
> 
> Also, come talk to me on [tumblr](https://hissesssss.tumblr.com/) and [twt](https://twitter.com/joosieeeeee) (even though my twt is nothing but kpop memes and retweets :))))))))


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